The unbearableness of waiting

This whole day has been about waiting.

Chick and I were up (she much earlier) and out (separately, as she was ready fast) to go to the lab for her bloodwork. She was there before the doors opened at 7, and there was already a line of at least 10 people. I caught up to her and we sat together and waited and waited for her to get called. It was after 8 before finally it was her turn.

Driving in to work, I got up on one of the main roads and immediately there were 3 stuffed lanes of traffic hardly moving. It took forever to go about a mile and then, as often happens, there suddenly was no more logjam and the cars just zoomed. Just one of those inexplicable gridlocks.

Work felt like the longest day EVER. Even though I got to see Sis in person after all this time (and man, did she have some story about the horror of her move from the Big A last week), there was no work to do and the time was going excrutiatingly slowly. I sent her home ‘early’, since I had been told last week that we were going to be let off early today (“Maybe 2!”) and I just was waiting it out. I put together end of year report, started working on a process workflow, responded to the 2 emails I received (not from kindergarteners), talked to a few folks who wandered by. I felt that the tick of each second of this day took at least an hour to get from the “t” to the “k”. Chick and I began instant messaging and she started telling me to come home around 1 — and stop at the grocery and get sparklers and cheese. (Aren’t we festive!).

I finally gave up about 10 after 4. I shut down and headed out.

The whole way from work to one of the Publix near us (there are 2) I held my cell phone in my hand so that I would not miss Chick’s call. She was supposed to hear from her bloodwork right after 3 o’clock. She was extrapolating that the delay in hearing was because all bad news is kept until the end of the day.

I bought many boxes of sparklers (they were on sale) and then trekked around the store looking for frozen fondue for the morrow — nada. There were so many people at the store that there were actually no carts, so I was using a little basket. I prefer carts because I can belt my purse into the kid seat and not kill myself hauling it around. With just the basket, my shoulder was really feeling the purse weight. I gave up on the frozen fondue search and picked up a bottle of wine and about 6 types of white cheeses to make fresh fondue. Then I couldn’t find French bread — I was feeling like such a LOSER, and knew that I was basically just not able to breathe because I wanted to hear from Chick’s test. Finally found the last loaf of French bread in the deli and checked out (having some excitement because my brain froze out my pin number on my card). The second I sat in the car I called Chick.

“Can’t talk! Helping Snowy get to bed!” and she rang off. No news.

When I got home, I encouraged Chick to call the clinic and find out what was going on while I finished helping Snowy.

Snowy was okay and then suddenly she wasn’t. As we ’skated’ together across her room she began to cry and apologize for being so much trouble. I hugged and reassured her, got her tucked in bed and said our prayers. She looked so sadly at me and said, “I don’t think I’m going to make it.” OH, stab to the heart to have her so sad. We hugged some more, yet she began sobbing and sobbing. I plopped down on her bed and rubbed her back and patted her and murmured to her to soothe her until she settled down. When I finally came out Chick was still trying to get answers.

She got through to the clinic and they told her they hadn’t received her test results yet. I helped her find a phone number for the lab, also pulling up that they close at 4 (this was now 4:59). We scrounged through the internet looking for some way to call and finally found a number for customer service in Tampa (!), and Chick got a human on the phone at last.

“Oh, yes, we can access your information. No we can’t tell it to you. Wait, we faxed this at 2:36…” NO, YOU DIDN’T! “Yes, we did; clinics always say we didn’t..” TRUST ME YOU DIDN’T FAX IT TO THE CLINIC “Well, yes we sent it to Dr. Hepatitis.” THAT IS NOT THE CLINIC- THAT IS NOT THE INFORMATION ON THE TEST REQUEST. YOU MUST FAX NOW TO THE CLINIC!!!!!!!! “Oh, okay. We will”

Chick immediately called the clinic and found out that they had been calling the lab, too, and were waiting by the fax machine.

And then we began to wait again. For awhile we stared into each other’s eyes. And then we didn’t. I was on one knee beside her where she had 2 phones in front of her (we didn’t know which number they would call). And waited and waited and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And.

Waited.

Then the phone rang. Chick answered, got a response, and then immediately burst into tears. She wiped tears away as she struggled to write down notes. A few more comments and she hung up and stared at me.

Then burst into tears again.

Then FINALLY told me what she found out: she’s still pregnant and she’s got GOOD NUMBERS. And right as she told me this, we looked out the window at the lake and there was a stork:

I think I get to relax for awhile and selfishly think this thought: I’m going to be a grandmother! Hey, I’ve got the hair for it now!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

ZZzzzzzzzunday

A very nappy day at Casa Shu. I stayed up way too late last night completing my 3 Pogo badges to get the Happy New Year’s Badge. Why?????

Snowy snoozed in her chair all day long except for trips to the bathroom. She was very wobbly on her feet and uncertain so she needed an arm each time to keep her steady. She finally went to bed about 5; she was clearly not feeling well-tuned in today, and that made me sad. At least she had BG in her lap most of the time she was napping, and that gave her some comfort.

Chick lasted only a little while after I came out to the den before she headed up to the aerie to nap — she said later it was to help make this day move along faster. She came down right as Snowy was heading for bed, and they exchanged huge sleepy hugs.

Charlie slept in what patches of sunlight he could find before curling up on the couch. BG slept first with Snowy and then upstairs with Chick. My herd snoozed on the screened porch and then headed inside when the sun went in.

We’ve all called it quits on this day — tomorrow will start early as Chick wants me to come with her about 6:30 to get in line for her bloodwork. I so hope our peaceful, calm nesting today will yield good numbers for her tomorrow. I’m ready to break open the non-alcoholic Welch’s sparkling grape juice and celebrate. Inside I’ve already been celebrating; I’ve just had to do it very quietly so I don’t wake anyone up.

In the pause

Chick got me up early yesterday to go with her to take her blood test. In all the excitement of doing that, being still halfway asleep, and then just generally as late as I usually am, I forgot to take my pills before I headed out to work later. Without my provigil I could barely stay awake, at work or at home later that evening. Thus, I fell asleep before I could post.

The info from the blood test: pregnancy; yet associated ‘numbers’ are lower than the clinic “prefers to see”, so we are waiting for Monday’s blood test to see how they are doing. Chick has researched those numbers and isn’t feeling terribly positive about whether the pregnancy will continue. She’s had a swirl of well-wishing and positive-thinking from her friends, various of whom claim having similar numbers with successful results. At this point, we can only wait, paused on whether to be celebrating or preparing to sorrow. Chick didn’t do a pregnancy test today — she plans on doing one tomorrow to see if it shows a stronger color or a more faded one so that she’ll have some forewarning of what Monday’s bloodwork will tell.

I truly did have to fight off falling asleep at my desk yesterday. The sleep malady I have, which after testing in the sleep lab years ago in Atlanta was determined to be connected with “my” MS, doesn’t improve but is pretty well handled by provigil. It doesn’t prevent my falling asleep when I go to bed, but it keeps that mantle of drowse and sleep from falling across me when I’m up.

Before I was “diagnosed”, I used to doze off at stoplights, had trouble getting up and going to work, staying awake — no matter how much sleep I got, I woke up feeling the heaviness of the sense of sleep deprivation. If I miss taking my pills, the lack of provigil makes itself felt. Sometimes I can miss a day and not give in too much, but sometimes a miss in the morning and by 10:00 am my eyes are drooping and blinking to stay awake and my attention is lost under the waves of approaching sleepiness. Even something as stimulating as having a meeting with the boss can’t push it away.

So, yesterday, I missed my pills (and grabbing a Slimfast for lunch) before I went to work and it was a CHALLENGE not to just put head down and start sawing logs. At one point I was meeting with people, answering emails (except to the kindergarteners), taking an online continuing education course (which had a little man in a little box lecturing me from the screen), doing a crossword puzzle, completing review of the wireframes, and finishing the entity project started earlier in the week — all at the same time. I was still losing the battle to hold my head up and keep my eyes open. OH, YAWN!

It was still fairly quiet in the halls, and I clung to the shreds of awakeness I could find. I had my radio playing, I had a CNN news widget gargling on the left side of my left screen, and the lecture men trading off subjects as I went through 4 1-hour continuing ed courses. The last of these was nearly insufferable — about 4 different, exponentially increasing-in-boredom fellows putting on a program for the Illinois Bar about valuing businesses. I don’t know why a month earlier I had thought that might be interesting or even useful when I was signing up for some courses. That particular hour seemed to go on for 5 or 10. It finally ran out while I was having a conversation with one of my peers who had wandered over from the other side of the building and was sharing some MORE tidbits I had missed while ‘remote’. Not that I wish drama or struggles or hard times on anyone, but there is something comforting in knowing that my spats with the kindergarteners are not the only grimacings going on in the building. Dark came, and I could close up shop and go home.

I had missed Snowy, who had again gone to bed between 4:30 and 5. Fortunately I had seen her that morning before I left for work and we had beamed and hugged. She had a good day up with Chick, gone to the hair salon, enjoyed being snuggled with kitty BG, watching some shows and movies with Chick. Between us, Chick and I have learned that to push and persuade Snowy to stay up, once something in her tells her she needs to go to bed, does not do her any good. She gets weepy when she finally does get in bed and has a harder time the next day. It must be selfish to want her to stay up and be with us, so we have the joy of being around her, plus feel that she is getting more deserved attention. However, her body knows better, and if it is calling her to sleep, and sleep more than a chair nap, we’ve learned to just facilitate her — being sure she finishes up her current Boost, gets her night pills, and has help changing to her nightie and getting in to bed. “Tonight” I got to help her because I was here, and we said our prayer. God is good.

Its being “left cheek day” for Chick’s progesterone shot, those are mine since she has trouble twisting to that side to stick her backside. I always like it when I can do it just right so that I don’t hurt her too much or cause any blood drips when I slowly pull the needle out. The progesterone is in a thick oil-like medium which is hard to smoothly push in at the right speed, but we did figure out quickly that it does NOT do well to stomp that sucker in fast as I can. OUCH. Slowly, gently… I’ve come a long way from when I used to inject MS medicine once a week (which I could only do after staring and mentally preparing and telling myself it wouldn’t hurt if I stuck through a freckle) — and a MILLLLLLLLLLION miles away from those years ago when I almost didn’t move to Panama with then-hub because of all the shots I’d have to get. Life learns you some lessons that sometimes come in handy.

Chick’s clinic also has her taking some estrogen pills, all to improve chances, and is part of why we’re just PAUSING and waiting for Monday and its results. I fed about 50 insistent ducks tonight, and will do that a few more times before we can breathe in and then hopefully breathe out. I will try to be up with Chick so I can go with her Monday, taking 2 cars in case she can’t get in at the lab until her appointment time of 8:45 so that I can run back and be here if Snowy gets up before Chick is back. HR told me yesterday that she believes the owners are going to let us go home early on Monday (“Don’t know what time”) so hopefully I will be back before the call.

We want to get sparklers for New Year’s. We want to celebrate. Right now, we pause.