TGFO

thank goodness, Friday is over.

I’m feeling more impact from some MS symptoms, which really frustrates me. With everything else I am challenged by, I hate to have my body working against me from the inside.

The exhaustion is creeping back, more than the provigil can help with. The muscles of fingers are askew so that typing, which makes up considerable chunks of activity, is tangled and dyslexic. Starting to feel a bit of foot droop.

I’m hoping it will phase on back out. I don’t like being betrayed by myself.

I was glad to fly home tonight with my hair whipping around me. I stayed late to finish a project that I didn’t get to concentrate on because of endless interruptions and disruptions, and because I’m Ms. Fixit, I had to stop and fix things for those who had no regard for what else I was trying to focus on. It is such a trap to be a Ms. Fixit — you want to help, you want to make it all better, it feels good to ’save the day’, BUT too quickly one can become the easy way out, the quick solution, the cheat rather than people learning to do things, be responsible for things, be accountable. AND then the things you need and want to focus on fall by the wayside and you wonder where the respect is lost, for Ms. Fixit or what she’s working on. Or both.

When I will do everything I can to ‘help people learn to fish’ (so that they never go hungry), most of the people in the work situation just want the fish cooked up and served to them, with sprinkles. Oy.

I’m so glad Sis is around to raise eyebrows with and to get up and walk away and go to lunch with. It helps balance craziness. Friends matter, and I’m lucky to have my friend.

The best place full of friends, who became one of the most awesome teams of smart, smart, smart professionals, was also the best place I ever worked (until the year following when the carpetbaggers rolled in). It was exciting to go to work, it was fun to stay late and have vivid conversations about the Constitution (can you imagine? it was great), it was reassuring to know when you walked in the door that the people you were going to spend the day with were there working hard to move the group forward, doing things right, doing things thoroughly, digging deep, talking things through… oh, my, I’m making myself so wistfully nostalgic now just thinking about it. It was a great time and we thought it would last forever — why wouldn’t it?

But life doesn’t stand still, things don’t stay the same. There are so many variables and so many people, and we’re drops in the river moving along in a new contexts and new situations.

I just want to make a positive difference where I’ve been, change for the good, solid, innovative work. I want it to take 3 or 4 people to take on what I was doing when my droplet is rolling somewhere else. I want to open doors and windows for others, and hold the ladder while others climb. I want always to try to be ‘that person’ that people come to when they want to know what to do or just want someone to share with that they know will ‘get it’, and can appreciate, empathize, and laugh with them.

I guess this is why I keep trying even in the sitch here where everything is “through the looking glass“. ANY DAY NOW, things will change, improve, and we’ll all be marching in the same, right direction, For The Good Of The Order.

Hee hee ha ha. No, you don’t see me holding my breath, but you do see me still trying to