Dear 3 AM,
I’m sorry you found me still up. I know you were wondering why I was, and why I was sniffling and hunkered over the computer looking at jobsites.
I don’t usually disturb you when you come around in your hour where the darkness is just starting to relent outside but before the edge of the horizon starts to silver up a bit.
I am just upset. I’m sure I am overreacting. I’m guessing that when I get to have a conversation on Monday that things will not seem as awful and ridiculous as they did when you found me. Maybe I don’t need to be looking at jobsites and trying to imagine myself living in Connecticut or Kentucky or Outer Mongolia.
I don’t want the hassle of trying to pick up and make a life with my girls somewhere else right now. Life is challenging enough just getting through what we do. And you know that I don’t usually let work follow me home, other than rarely, but this has turned out to be one of those times and it seems more possibly distressing than the other few times.
At the moment it feels like the ridiculousness that I have been promised for 2 years would be remedied and just hasn’t, is going to turn into a neverending and everworsening nightmare in which I do not want to spend my daylife. I don’t know. I am having very sad and very depressed feelings about it and after you came and went and I finally, finally went to bed, I slept and slept and slept. The kitties even allowed it, feeling, I guess, that I was so sad so they just curled around me rather than butting and stickering me to get me up.
I didn’t get up until your counterpart 3 PM, and I find that I am still crying if I think for even a moment about things. I’m feeling depressed, betrayed, tricked, mistreated, disrespected, abused, dismissed, diminished… yeah, that whole dictionary of words of hurt. I do NOT like to feel this way. And especially about WORK. I’ve done enough years where I have invested my whole identity and being into a workplace, given it all my heart, and then was sorrowful when it was time to let go and restart. I vowed it wouldn’t happen again.
For the most part I have been successful. And I do NOT have my whole identity and being invested in this workplace, but I do not care to spend 9 and 10 hours of my day feeling under siege or like an inmate in an asylum run by mean, backstabbing children.
So, because when things happen on a Friday and you can’t do anything about them you just feel like the worst is happening and you can’t do anything about it, I’m just going to try to lie low and not poke the feelings and see what Monday will bring.
I don’t think I am supposed to feel this way, and I wish I didn’t. It’s just wrong.
Sadly,
Shu
What’s depressing is when we say we feel this way, and others say “we all have to deal with it… work is like that,” blah blah blah. I don’t accept that it has to be.
I hope it’s a sunny day for you – usually makes me feel a bit better (provided it’s not wasted in the office – but I haven’t wasted it that way for years now).
It really sucks that people have to be that way. I’ve been there too, it is no fun at all. Hang in there and don’t let those people spoil your life. (I’ve been there and done that – still recovering financially) I’m sending good thoughts your way!
I’m sorry to hear about the work struggles. I completely understand. I hope Monday gave you some relief – whether it was a realization that things weren’t as bad as you thought, or they merely blew over, or you found just a wee bit more fortitude than you thought you had.
Hang in there. Working is well, work.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re so unhappy with your work. I spent a good year on a job I did not like at all, and it ate me up inside, even though I had great colleagues. I wish you all the best!
Every time I get really sad, I go through the archives and read this post. It’s not that it cheers me up or anything of the sort, but rather, it gives me comfort to know that someone feels the way I feel. Thank you.