Yes, I did. Anyone who knows me even a little knows that I stopped eating chicken in the 2nd grade, and don’t discuss why for YOUR sake.

So culling the new postings that have any relation to my abilities and finding only 2 to apply for today, and one of them is with a flamed chicken operation in CA, I can only say I sat and stared at the SUBMIT button a very long time before clicking it. It depressed me even further, even though it is totally something that I can do quite easily (given the chance). We have long been far, far from the picky stage in the job hunt. Still, this gave me such pause that I wondered what had become of ME. Don’t even know who the heck I am any more.

Ah, well. Just another day walking towards the cliff and hoping there’ll be a rope ladder waiting for me there rather than just an abyss. I actually took the step today to email my doctor and ask her advice about the fact that almost 5 months into this severe downturn in our lives — the loss of my job, Snowy’s going into the nursing home after such a terrible slide in her condition — I still cry just as hard and instantly at the thought or mention of either one of these things. Intellectually I’m fine and accepting. Emotionally, or physically, I’m not healing. It makes me even more upset with myself because I should not be so susceptible to these triggered physical reactions, but here I am. Hopefully she can walk me through getting some Band-Aids on my heart.

Today, baby Dex got the bulk of the mail at the house — some packages, etc. Chick and I each got something, mine was junk mail … AND the giant box of letters, resumes, envelopes that I need to sign and stuff together and stamp and put in the mail. This is my direct mail effort, my last big HURRAH that I could put some money into. There is nothing left to do something else like this. So, I am going to get a special pen with blue ink tomorrow and start signing. Chick is going to help me fold, stuff, seal, and then we’ll get these in the mail after I give them a “PLEASE BE LUCKY” kiss. And then we wait and hope that any of these arrive at a place that is happy to hear of me and wants to give me at least a conversation.  Hmm. Here’s hoping!

This afternoon, my dear friend, the one who ferreted out the job possibility I wrote about the other day, called to see if I had heard anything. She said, “You’ve got to let me know if you’re not hearing back! I’m going to call [her friend at the company] and find out what’s going on.” She said he’d previously told her they were sometimes slow to get things like that handled.

A little later she called me back and said he was surprised that I hadn’t already heard from the one of the Owners he’d thought would call. He said they did have a big brouhaha going on —  over a new center that was trying to open this week and the town’s city manager was giving them a hard time. That might have diverted their attention. He promised her he would catch up with this Owner in the morning and just find out wassup, — if there was anything going on about it he didn’t know about or if they had any reservations about considering me. Just to know one way or the other will be a relief.

And if it IS something ‘about me’, I dearly want the feedback so I know what to address.

Ah, me. I wish I had spent the time I lost  today … wishing and waiting and hunting about jobs …  at the nursing home with Snowy. I miss her so much and when I ‘m not there, I’m wondering what is going on with her.

Everything is just out of balance right now, me included, and I’ve got to get the fulcrum nudged into the right place so things aren’t just up and mostly down. It’s time for that to happen.